An NHL 20 Created Teams Project
Welcome to the mad mad world of the BTNHLHL (Better Than National Hockey League Hockey League)!
Why’s it better than the NHL? Well, through the use of magic, the league includes players from different eras in their primes, but it outlaws elite goalies in order to facilitate high-scoring games. Games have 4-minute periods, and ties are resolved in 5-on-5 sudden death overtime until there’s a winner. And most important, each team has an identity and style.
How’d this league come about? Six teams were awarded to people or entities chosen by the commissioner, and four were auctioned to the highest bidders, which happened to be giant corporations. The proceeds received from the four corporate teams were split evenly to fund the creation of the other six teams. After the inaugural season, another auction brought four more teams into the fold.
Excited yet? Let’s meet the teams!
Louisville Sweet Bastards
Owner: Ricky Cobb, creator of the Super 70s Sports Twitter account
Arena: Louisville War Memorial
Key Players: Larry Robinson, Bobby Clarke, Darryl Sittler
Due to an endless stream of hilarious tweets, which are about the only thing worth a damn on all of social media, University of Louisville alum Ricky Cobb was awarded a franchise. The name was chosen because he’s fond of referring to many a person or thing as a “sweet bastard,” and the uniforms are inspired by the cartoon baseball player on his Twitter page. In the tradition of old-time hockey, the Sweet Bastards wear white at home and don’t wear helmets, letting their glorious hair fly.
Wilkes Barre Scranton Elephunks
Owner: Amanda of West Chester, Pennsylvania
Arena: The Stoliplex
Key Players: Chris Pronger, Brayden Schenn, Travis Konecny
Despite the fact that her soulmate, Fogelman, still has not commented to the commissioner about how much he loves his website, a team was awarded to Amanda, a dedicated Philadelphia Flyers fan and all-around wonderful person. She opted for a teal-and-purple color scheme and the name Elephunks, in honor of her “rapper” name. (You know that’s real, because the commissioner could NOT make that up.)
Milwaukee Highlife
Owner: Miller Brewing Company
Arena: Miller Arena
Key Players: Wayne Gretzky, Phil Housley, Dave Andreychuk
This team’s cream and gold uniform resembles a can of delicious Miller High Life, America’s most perfect beer. Rumor has it that the commissioner accepted a bribe of a lifetime supply of cold ones to discount the team’s purchase, but that, my friends, is just a rumor.
Markham Flair Drip
Owner: Marple Sports Arena of Broomall, Pennsylvania
Arena: Markham Sports Arena
Key Players: Peter Forsberg, Chris Chelios, Wendel Clark
In the commissioner’s short stint playing roller hockey at Marple Sports Arena, he played with a bunch of Philly punks who called him “Cali” while calling themselves “Ric Flair Drip.” Unfortunately, a clerical error stemming from someone thinking that Marple is a city and not a township caused the team to end up in Markham, Ontario, Canada. The team did, however, retain the Flair Drip name and bright blue jerseys to represent the lavish style of pro wrestling royalty “Nature Boy” Ric Flair.
Hershey Buttercups
Owner: The Hershey Company
Arena: Reece’s Dome
Key Players: Ray Bourque, Jari Kurri, Mike Modano
There’s another dirty rumor out there, this one claiming that the commissioner accepted a bribe of 3,500 Reece’s Peanut Buttercups to discount this team’s purchase. That is absolutely false, but you can be sure this team’s jerseys are inspired by the bright orange and yellow brand colors of America’s most delicious candy. Don’t expect sweetness from these guys once the puck drops, though. Their tenacious style of play earned them the league’s first championship.
Omaha Roadies
Owner: Jenny of Omaha, Nebraska
Arena: South Omaha Speedway Arena
Key Players: Mario Lemieux, Marcel Dionne, Teuvo Teravainen
Jenny doesn’t know a thing about hockey, but she sure knows about fearlessly racing through the streets of Omaha in her sleek sports car while drinking a “roadie,” a double tall grapefruit vodka soda. The roster was built for raw speed with a leaning toward handsome faces. The Roadies’ unique uniforms combine a blueish off-white with pink and orange racing stripes to represent Jenny’s bright personality, penchant for grapefruit vodka, and insane compulsion to drive fast.
Kansas Polyrhythms
Owner: Danny Carey, drummer of Tool
Arena: The Triad
Key Players: Gordie Howe, Joe Sakic, Al MacInnis
While he has no hockey fandom to speak of, Danny Carey is one amazing drummer in one amazing band, and therefore he was awarded a team. The uniforms satisfy Danny’s love of the color purple, and the logo depicts a mechanical gear and a drop of running liquid, representing the technical yet fluid nature of Danny’s drumming, a hallmark of Tool’s awesome music. When consulted about his taste for players, Danny reportedly said, “Get some guys who hit that puck hard!”
Knoxville Dewers
Owner: The Pepsi-Cola Company
Arena: Mountain Dew Arena
Key Players: Mark Messier, Teppo Numminen, Mattias Ekholm
Knoxville is the birthplace of Mountain Dew, and the Dewers are an ode to America’s most unapologetically low-class beverage. The team’s initial traditional-looking jerseys were rejected by the commissioner, who demanded that they if they really wanted to “do the Dew,” they needed to wear bright green to match the drink’s nuclear waste look. At a loss for a logo, someone threw up their hands and joked, “Why not just a chicken pooping out a hockey puck?” and the idea stuck.
Austin Peppers
Owner: The Keurig Dr. Pepper Company
Arena: Dr. Pepper Arena
Key Players: Jaromir Jagr, Paul Coffey, Luc Robitaille
Dr. Pepper was originally concocted by a pharmacist (a pharmacist, for real) in Waco, Texas, but the team owners decided that hipster-friendly Austin was a more suitable home for a hockey team. This team’s purchase was tainted by yet another nasty rumor, saying that the commissioner wanted an excuse to have maroon jerseys in the league. The team logo has something like a fizzy hockey puck to represent the distinct fizz of Dr. Pepper, positioned atop a star because no sports teams in Texas can resist a star logo.
Oakland Geri-hat-tricks
Owner: NorCal Inline Hockey Arena of Oakland, California
Arena: Dry Ice
Key Players: Steve Yzerman, Glenn Anderson, Mike Gartner
NorCal Inline, formerly “Dry Ice,” is where the commissioner’s love of hockey was forged as a player. And of all the clever team names he’s been a part of — Deke Van Dyke, Down to Puck, The Eh Team — the best one belongs to the laughing stock of the Thursday night 35-and-over league, the Geri-hat-tricks. While the jerseys don’t mimic any particular team, they capture the garish aesthetics of roller hockey. And much like the brand of roller hockey played at the dusty old rink, this team is very offense-focused.
Jersey City Rippers
Owner: The Byrd Family
Arena: Byrd Pavilion
Key Players: Serge Savard, Henri Richard, Charlie Conacher
The Rippers are another old-school team, wearing no helmets and white uniforms at home, and they’ve become bitter rivals of the Sweet Bastards. It’s no secret that the team is backed by the mafia, and some strings were pulled following the inaugural season that caused the Rippers to acquire all of Louisville’s clean-cut players. As a result, they’re considered a “pretty boy” team. Their classic-style red motif is an ode to New Jersey’s famous diners, and the name Rippers is diner lingo for a deep-fried hot dog.
North Bay Metal Militia
Owner: Metallica and Q Prime Artist Management
Arena: The Sanitarium
Key Players: Connor McDavid, Jeremy Roenick, Bryan Trottier
The members of Metallica were shocked and appalled that a fellow rock star was given a team before they were, so they dug into their deep pockets to buy their own. Situated in the North Bay region, just north of San Francisco, the Metal Militia carry on the spirit of Metallica’s music with a speed-focused roster, and you can be damn sure they shoot flames out of the scoreboard after every goal.
Cleveland Corollas
Owner: Toyota Motor Corporation
Arena: Toyota Center
Key Players: Kris Letang, Frederik Andersen, Ryan Suter
In honor of the world’s most dependable car, the Toyota Corolla, everything about this team is practical. Their crisp green uniforms are simple yet distinct. They’re located in a sports-loving city that has big-league teams in all major sports except hockey. Their roster has only current-day players, because the owners reasoned that the magic used to bring back old players would wear off after a season or two. While they don’t have top-tier flashy stars, their roster is solid top to bottom to support their defense-first style.
Greensboro Spirits
Owner: Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company
Arena: American Spirit Arena
Key Players: Stan Mikita, Alex Pietrangelo, Keith Yandle
Widespread tobacco advertising might be a thing of the past, but the creators of American Spirit cigarettes bought a hockey team as a loophole, basing their jerseys off the standard “blue pack.” Located near the company headquarters in Oxford, North Carolina, this team has a roster of players who look like they might smoke cigarettes.